Thursday, September 09, 2004

Need...nicotine...losing...will...to live...

Having some trouble with writing lately, as I move from the level one patches to the level two patches, and watch as my nicotine cravings rise accordingly. Writing and smoking have always gone hand in hand, which makes it tougher for me to write while trying to quit this filthy habit, particularly when the cravings are nipping at heels.

Broke down and phoned my therapist this afternoon. Convinced her to come by and have a cigarette with me. She left with me when she returned home, which I've almost finished. Will spark it up for the third time and finish it off before slapping on the patch that will, if all goes well, get me through tonight and into tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, if all goes well, there should be a new Stick Figure Drama, posted on time for a change. And, if I don't get around to it tonight, the next part of the King book cover dissection should be up by tomorrow too -- the Shining. This one's been slim pickings, I must admit. I don't care for many of the covers at all. I'm not sure if that's because of or in spite of the fact that I consider it to be his best novel.

Here's the thing with smoking and writing: Just now, when I finished that previous paragraph, I wanted to sit back and think for a moment. Think about what I had written, what I was going to write next, if I needed to write anything else or if I could have just ended it there. I needed to reflect on what I had written, and what I was about to write. And that's when my hand wants to reach for the ashtray. Just for a drag. Just to help me reflect.

God, if I didn't enjoy it so much, I'd hate being a smoker. I hate that I have to be a reformed smoker. I hate that I have to quit. But I also hate the idea of lung cancer and emphysema. Guess there's no winning in a battle like this.

Okay. I've written a bit, and the words are kinda flowing, and even though I've got to take the laundry out of the dryer in 15 minutes or so...wtf, I think I'll tackle the next King Cover installment. And then go read a book or something.


3 comments:

Todd said...

Okay, I'll bite -- figure any help is worthwhile. Can't hurt, can it?

1. It is, at the moment, for primarily financial reasons. I simply can not afford the habit any more. And the price of cigarettes is not going to go down -- it's just going to continue creeping up and up and up, putting them financially further out of reach with each price increase. Additionally, concerns over long-term health issues like cancer and emphysema *have* been on my mind lately.

2. Weird question, and one I'm unclear as to exactly how it relates to smoking, but the answer'd be no. Just a wee bit too young for me.

3. I have a step-daughter from a marriage that didn't work out. We still see each other with regularity, hanging out once a week during the school year, and when she's available during her more care-free summer-holiday months. As for a child of my own, I think I would like to eventually have an offspring, but it's not vital and I'd be okay without one. At least that's how I feel right now -- ask me again in five years.

4. I'm not strenuously outdoors-inclined. I like going for walks, I like camping and fishing though it's been years since I've given myself the opportunity to get away.

5. Depression, anxiety, stress, mildly overweight.

6. Married but separated. Waiting for an excuse to fill out the divorce papers.

Todd said...

While I'd agree that I'm giving up smoking for the wrong reasons, that doesn't mean that there is any other option at this point in time. If I can't afford a pack of cigarettes, then I can't afford a pack of cigarettes. Simple as that. And while I might be able to do it without a patch if my heart really was in it, my heart's not in it right now, and so the patch helps smooth over the rougher times.

I have to admit I was intrigued by the logic behind your questions, particularly the idea that quitting smoking should be part of a larger lifestyle change -- something I'll be keeping in mind in the weeks and months to come. I may not be doing it for the right reason right now. That doesn't mean I can't turn it into the right reason as I work my way through it.

Todd said...

My reply got too long to post as a follow-up comment. Reply has become an actual blog post. You can read it here if you're so inclined. Assuming you didn't see it already. Cheers!