Mmmmm, booze...

The Guinness Book of World Records is a source we can all turn to when we need to know those random, pointless bits of trivia, like who has the longest fingernails, or who has eaten the most raw eggs in less than a minute. Unfortunately, if you're looking for booze-related records -- and really, who wouldn't be? -- you're out of luck with current editions of the book.

Apparently the folks behind the Guinness book stopped including liquor-based records in 1991, fearing lawsuits inspired by stupid people drinking themselves to death in attempts to find the sort of fame we all dream about: By being that guy who chugged a bottle of Absinthe faster than anyone else in the world.

Thankfully, the folks over at the calwineries blog have dug up some older booze records from Guinness, most of them from the 1979 edition, before retarded lawsuits became the norm.

Here's some highlights:

Strongest Beer

• The strongest known beer in 1979 was EKU Kulminator Urtyp Hell from Kilmbach, West Germany, at 13.2 percent alcohol (1979).

• Update: Bavarian brewer Harald Schneider, from southern Germany, brewed a beer that was 25.4% alcohol. Source.

Fastest Beer Drinking Relay

• Czech patriots drank 2,662 half-litres of beer in less than 17 hours. Drinking at a rate of over 156 beers per hour, or 2.6 mugs per minute, the Czechs can now claim to be the fastest “relay” drinkers in the world (2004). Source.

Most Alcoholic Person (actual name of record)

• It is recorded that a hard drinker named Vanhorn (1850 – 1911) averaged more than four bottles of Ruby Port per day for 23 years prior to his death at 61. He is believed to have emptied 35,688 bottles (1979).

So, for those of you thinking you're hardcore, serious drinkers, keep this in mind -- you have a lot to live up to. But if you plan to drink like a fish with an indestructible liver, don't do it for fame -- fame is fleeting, and most people would probably laugh at you for being the most alcholic person -- do it for yourself. Do it because you love the booze. And because the booze loves you.

Lovely, lovely booze.

On drinking.

"Something has been said for sobriety but very little." --John Berryman

"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough." --Mark Twain

"The worse thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." --William Butler Yeats

"Beware of the man who does not drink." --Proverb

"When I realized that what I had turned out to be was a lousy, two-bit pool hustler and drunk, I wasn’t depressed at all. I was glad to have a profession." --Danny McGoorty

"I drink to make other people interesting." --George Jean Nathan

All quotes courtesy of an amusing list of drinking-related quotes found here. Booze is a topic that just about everyone seems to have had something to say about at one time or another. Unsurprisingly, most of what they have to say is pretty good, even when it's bad.

I do feel something's being missed, though, in the absence of one of my favourite quotes from Hunter Thompson. So I'll add it to my own list here:

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

Well said. Well said.

Booze

Maybe you know this. Probably you don't.

Since the new year, I've been pretty much on a wine-only liquor diet. There's a couple of reasons for this, and the primary one is a desire to modify my lifestyle so I'm drinking just a little bit less than I have in the past. This has grown out of a realization that there may be some connection between "depression" and the intake of "depressants."

The wine only -- and, in this case, specifically red wine -- grew out of a couple of other things. First, I realized some time ago that red wine gave me a sort-of creative buzz, one that left with a desire to sit down and write something, so it seemed as if it would go nicely hand-in-hand with my resolution to write more in 2007. Also, recent readings on the health benefits of red wine indicated that up to three glasses a day helped to lower blood pressure, and three glasses a day seemed like a nice, round, not-terribly drunk sort of number.

This is not to say that I've removed beer or other liquors from my life. That is not the case at all. They're just not part of a regular lifestyle. Some of them were -- particularly beer -- but that's the very habit I'm trying to overcome.

So far, the change in lifestyle has actually brought about a noticeable improvement. My mood is better. I'm sleeping better. I'm waking up feeling better in the morning. And, barring the occasional day where I've dropped the ball, I'm being more productive with my writing.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with why I'm writing tonight.

After a "Seen Change" rehearsal tonight, I went out with a handful of the cast and crew for dinner and a few drinks. Thinking this was one of those "not part of the regular lifestyle" nights that I had allowed myself to have, I figured I'd have a few beer, just for a change of pace. And I did. And they were tasty, and I enjoyed them very much, and there was much chit-chat and laughing and merry-making at the table, and was fine with the world. Until it was time to go.

When it was time to go, I paid my bill, headed out of the bar into the parking lot, and as I walked towards my car I felt something...odd.

I felt this massive, soul-sucking sort of void in my heart.

I felt this terrible sense of despair and loneliness crashing down on me. And I thought, "What the fuck is this all about?"

Because I recognized it. It was something I had felt for a good portion of 2006. It was, in fact, one of the things from 2006 that I was eager to be free of. And here it was again, from out of the blue.

And I wondered for the first time if maybe it was the beer. Because I hadn't felt that way while drinking red wine for the last few weeks. Quite the opposite, as I've already mentioned.

I find this possibility somewhat troubling. I mean, I wasn't looking eradicate beer from my diet because it made me depressed. I was looking to reduce its presence in my diet because I was drinking too much of it. I'm still quite fond of beer, and the thought of having to remove it completely from my life is...well, a thought I'm not willing to entertain at the moment.

So here's hoping it was a one time thing, and the next time I feel like treating myself to an icy cold, refreshing brewski, it's a pleasant experience from the moment it begins until long after its over.

Where did that come from?

There's a bottle of Tequila on the kitchen counter. I don't know where it came from, or who it belongs to, but I hope to find out so that I might have a tiny taste.

Not right now, of course.

Maybe Tuesday.