Friday, April 18, 2008


Been dabbling with lyrics to a song I'm thinking I might end this current play with (I'm not 100% sold on it, because it really is a way-the-fuck-out-there, over-the-top sort of ending, and I'm not sure I'm cool with that), and I have to admit, I'm kind of fond of this bit here:

He murdered his wife and his baby
Which is odd, cuz he's usually lazy
What is he, batshit crazy?
Uh uh, he's just a drunk

That is all.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Is it spring yet?

The weather was actually warm enough last night that I was able to bring the laptop out onto the deck to spend a bit time of working on the new play. It was nice.

For the last couple of days, I've had the laptop set up on my desk, next to the desktop PC, mostly so I could juggle two different jobs at once (ripping CDs on the desktop, while I worked on a poster on the laptop). This was incredibly handy at the time, but it got me thinking that the reason I had picked up the laptop in the first place was so that I could actually do some work in locations that *weren't* my desk. Last night, I believe, marked the first time I'd taken it to the out of doors, which was pretty cool. Will likely try it again tonight.

I also stuffed a couple of the solar-charged lights in the planters out on the deck, to hopefully provide some evening illumination for my outdoor writing projects. They hadn't had time to charge, but still gave off a faint glow. I'm hoping their substantially brighter after a day charging -- they really didn't do much last night.

I bought a ten-pack of the lights a few weeks ago, mostly just because I liked them. I had no idea where I planned to use them, and I still don't really, though there are a couple of options. The first is to use them to light the path down to the central area of the backyard where I'd like to get a Gazebo put, hopefully this spring / summer (though heaven knows if that's even likely). Although with only eight lights left, I may need another pack to light the entire path (I've got a fairly long, windy back yard).

The second option is to light the various garden landings that are scattered periodically down the backyard. After, of course, putting some work into fixing them up.

The yard has seen some neglect. Actually, the last few years, the yard has pretty much *only* seen neglect. I'm hoping to change that this year. Fixing up the backyard is weekend project #1 for the spring and summer. Which is all well and good as an idea, but knowing me, once it gets to be time to do the actual work...well, the yard may very well be able to add yet another year of neglect to its list.

Monday, April 14, 2008

You're older than you've ever been.

April 14th, 2008. Almost halfway through the fourth month of the year, nearly a quarter of the way through this year. Wasn't it just Christmas? What the fuck.

In another four months I'll be 35. Where does the time go? When did it start flying by so quickly. I'm getting old. This is insane. When do I have to start worrying about bowel and prostate cancer? When do I have to start getting scared that I'm still a smoker? When do heart attacks and strokes suddenly become a tangible possibility? Am I already there?

Good Lord, how did this happen?

I'm a wreck today. Only slept a handful of hours. Spent most of the night convinced that I was going to die in my sleep. No idea why. Arms hurt, and I had the shakes. Thought it was maybe a hangover from some intense drinking the night before, but I didn't feel *that* bad throughout the day. Seemed odd that it would hit me so hard at the end of it.

Death is everywhere today. It clings to my mind from last night's paranoia, then reading a story on the 'Net about 47 year old university professor dying of pancreatic cancer, then news of a man I had known briefly a few years ago killing himself. Death is everywhere.

I should be working on that play, the new play. Not much time to get it done -- the end of April is my deadline if I want to have a hope of putting it on for Actoberfest. Time slipping through my hands again. Time flying by faster than I can keep up. Two weeks to finish a 60 page play. Should be conceivable, but I won't get any work done today. Head is too thick, too tired, can't think straight.

Four months to 35. Fucking madness. 35 and then 40, and then 50, and then 60. Blink and it's over. Blink and you're on your deathbed.

More death.

Haunting me today.

I wish I knew why.

What waits for us after this life is over? Is this it? Close your eyes, rattle out your last breath, and then nothing. Just like you never were. Just like none of it ever was. That terrifies me. Incredibly.

Can't keep thinking like this. It's depressing.

If I don't get a decent night's sleep tonight, I will go insane.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Dusty around these parts again

It's always weird coming back to this place after it's been ignored for a lengthy period. Partly because it feels like I need to make excuses about why I wasn't here, and the fact is, I've got nothing to offer, except, "Sorry, wasn't into it."

It also generally leaves me feeling like I've got to come back with some sort of big, splashy, exciting post, to make up for the last 30 or 40 days that I've left this place to stagnate. But again, I've got nothing big or splashy to offer here just a, "Hey, here I am again, apparently I'm not dead."

So, yeah, that's about it.

The novel still isn't finished, though it has been half-heartedly picked at a couple of times. A new idea for a play (an idea that, even by my own standards, is pretty fucked up) is rattling in the back of my head, with a few pages dropped down the other day. The commentary-track marathon has been a bit of a slack-off lately as well, though the dangerous-and-disturbing film fest is still going strong and on it's fifth week (though I did skip the last event, as it came in the midst of a nasty sickness). And perhaps the dangerous and disturbing films are better blog-fodder anyway.

I'm hopefully buying some bowls after work today. Large bowls. Standard cereal bowls are simply not always big enough, and yet that's pretty much all I have in the cupboard.

Yeah, it's exciting, I know.