Friday, July 18, 2008

It's depressing

It seems to me that when even taking a nap is depressing, things are getting pretty close to the bottom.

Okay, it wasn't so much the nap itself that was depressing. Being in bed, hiding from the world, okay, yeah, that was good. That's always good. But somewhere in the middle of the nap I had a dream. I don't really remember much from it, except that I felt terribly alone, and then I noticed that across the street was my family's house, and my dad was there, and my brother. And I waved at them and I tried to call them over to come hang out with me and hopefully send some of my loneliness away, but they just waved a hello to me and went back into their house, leaving me alone.

And then I woke up, and I was even more depressed.

According to my commonly consulted dream dictionary, this is what it means to dream of your family: to see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.

It's a nice thought, but I don't think that's a broad analysis. Having your family turn your back on you and walk into their own house could not, in any way, represent "security, warmth and love." So fuck you, dream dictionary. Guess I'm on my own for this one.

Not that it's terribly hard to figure out. Watching your family turn your back on your represents isolation and loneliness, pretty obviously. After all, if there's one group you should be able to turn to when things are at their worst, it's your family, right?

So why so depressed? Plenty of reasons, I guess, but none of them terribly good. Certain parts of life are being spun around in the turmoil of change, and I'm having a tough time with some of it.

The feeling of stagnation in other parts of life, and the feeling like it's my own unwillingness to move forward in anything, unwilling to change or improve or even just try something new, is what keeps me back, keeps me stagnant, keeps me miserable. I keep seeing opportunities -- opportunities that might be good or interesting or fun -- slide by in front of me, and instead of reaching out for them, I let them pass by and I crawl into bed and pretend the world doesn't exist.

I know it's not the best approach. It's just the only one I have.

Which isn't true, of course. There are plenty of options. I could force a smile onto my face, and fake it for everyone around me until I actually started to feel happy. I could get medicated. I could go to therapy. I could admit myself to a hospital for treatment. I could quit my job and move to some faraway place and start all over again. There are plenty of options.

But, as always, actually *doing* something when you feel this way is just about impossible.

Far easier to just lay around in bed, miserable, suffering, waiting for death to descend upon you.

Way easier.

I really don't believe in medicating depression, for the most part -- I think, as a society, we're far too overmedicated already, I don't really feel like doing my part to add to the problem. But sometimes I can't help but feel like, at least with medication in play, I might be able to start taking steps towards some kind of improvement. Because right now, I really don't have the energy to do much except lie in bed, pretend the world doesn't exist, and slip into the arm arms of a sleep that is peppered with dreams of being isolated, alone, and ignored.