Sunday, September 19, 2004

Chewed Gum = Sex Toy

Driving into work today, listening to the radio, I heard a DJ talking about people buying Britney Spears' gum off of Ebay -- something I heard about before, actually -- for thousands of dollars.

It occurred to me that while most of the people buying the gum were probably just weird fans with too much money to burn, who planned on sticking the gum in a little glass display case, there was probably also one or two people looking to try to eventually harvest DNA from the saliva left on the gum.

Assuming that's probable. I'm not a rocket scientist. Nor am I a DNA-etician. I have no idea how much saliva you need to get cloneable DNA, nor how long that DNA remains viable for use in cloning. Still, I could imagine more than just a few people who'd love to grow their own, personal Britney Spears that they could keep in their basements, chained up and...well, you get the idea, I'm sure.

No Britney gum is currently available on Ebay, sadly, though there is a can of Coke she reportedly drank from (still has lipstick marks!). Don't know how much saliva she left behind, but it might be harvestable, I guess. Either that or you could just close your eyes, lick the can and pretend you're making out with her, as you mix your creepy-stalking-obsessive-fan-saliva with what some get-rich-quick-auctioneer assures you is hers.

Could you imagine spending 19 years growing your own Britney, only to discover that you had spent thousands of dollars on gum that had been chewed by a lonely loser from Minnesota? Could you even get your money back 19 years later? Unlikely. Of course, you could beat the shit out of the clone, I guess, and almost feel like you're kicking the crap out of the guy who sold it to you. Almost.

Oh, and Britney got married this weekend -- second time this year! -- so she's technically off the market. One more reason to start the DNA harvesting, I suppose.

I can't believe I just wrote an entire post about Britney Spears. I have no more to say. If you, however, wish to know more about Ms. Spears, visit Mr. Stereogum. Kid tested, mother approved.

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