Abort

“Buy the ticket, take the ride.”

Those of you familiar with Hunter Thompson are likely familiar with the quote – which comes, if memory serves me correctly, from his most known piece, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” But, hopefully, even those of you who aren’t familiar with Dr. Thompson find a certain truth in those words.

The first time I read those words – and, beyond that, probably the first dozen times I read those words – the meaning was this: If you want to walk on the edge of life, be prepared to fall off the cliff. Because Thompson walked on the edge. It was where he was the most comfortable, and in his own way, it was where I think he wanted to ultimately see all of if from. Because you can see a lot of really fantastic things from the edge.

But right now, tonight, I feel like there’s an entirely different take to that quote. And I’m not sure if it’s one that Thompson intended and I’ve been too thick to get until now, or if it’s one that Thompson never saw coming and only exists in my head because I’m reading between the lines and applying to my own life philosophies.

But the take is this.

You buy the ticket when you’re born. It’s not an option – much like it’s not an option in the Thompson quote. You buy the ticket, whether you like it or not. And, having gotten your hands on the ticket, you’ve got not choice but to take the ride.

And that ride, of course, is life.

Life being – if I can get muddy and mix my quotes up – what happens when you’re making other plans.

I can even begin to guess why the Hunter quote has been in my brain lately. It’s a bit like a song you hear on the radio, that you can’t shake for the rest of the day, no matter how hard you try. I’m stuck. I can’t shake the words. And I can’t shake the truth behind them either.

Sometimes I get tired of the ride. Sometimes I want to cash in the ticket and get some money that I can dump on the hot dog stand, because sometimes you just want a hot dog, with lots of mustard. And some onions.

But you’re not allowed to do that. Because you bought the ticket at conception, at a point when no one asked you whether you wanted the ticket. Whether you wanted to play the game, or take the ride. And this ticket, my friends, is unrefundable.

You ride that train to its destination whether you like it or not.

This is the unfinished and unpublished piece that was almost (until I thought better of it) last week's "Offline" column.

It was written after the Wednesday night performance of "Welcome to the Monkey House" and after a few hours of drinking in the bar later. It also followed an hour or two of drinking at home, after the bar.

I didn't finish it because at the time I was sober enough to know that I was too drunk to send it without having given it a read the next morning while sober.

I didn't send it the next morning, when sober, because It was a little too close to the truth of what I've been feeling lately. And, within that, it was a little bit too sad sounding.

As a general rule, I'm not against sharing my thoughts and feelings in my column. I've opened up about a lot of different things, in a lot of ways that have been kind of scary at the time. But this time...this time I wasn't comfortable letting people into *this* particular feeling.

So there wasn't a column at all last week, becuase by the time I realized I couldn't submit this one, I didn't have time to write another one.

The "Buy the ticket, take the ride," thought is still with me, quite heavily. I'm still feeling, very much, like I should be living my life a bit more like that. Not wanting things, not striving for things, not making plans, simply taking the ride, letting life hand me what it hands me, and following that. Because I've had some very good things happen to me this year by living my life that way.

But it's a hard thing to do. And it can be very, very terrifying.

Though, I suppose you could argue too, the best parts of life are usually like that.

Waiting for the bus

Sometimes I think:

You're killing yourself.

As surely as if you had a gun in your mouth, or a noose around your neck, or a bottle full of pills in your belly. You're killing yourself. You're just choosing to do it in a way that's slow, and acceptable by society. You're killing yourself with liquor and cigarettes and food. You're living a suicidal, self-destructive lifestyle. Which is sort of the only way that someone who is terrified of death can kill themselves.

Sometimes, this is what I think.

And it's stupid, because I don't want to die. Death holds nothing for me. And yet, it's also *not* stupid, because in so many ways, life holds nothing for me.

I had an argument with a friend the other night, in which I explained that I felt that I was fated to a life of failure and misery because I lack the capacity for selfishness.

He told me that there was no such thing as fate.

I told him we were arguing semantics.

He told me that the most successful people he knew were the ones who cared about nothing but their own success, who were selfish, who were willing to go after what they wanted with a single minded ferocity.

I told him he was making my point for me.

For some reason, I can't shake the notion I have that what *I* want is the least important thing in the world. That what everyone else wants is far, far more important. That if there is a sacrifice to be made, the sacrifice should be mine.

I can't shake that.

No reason to stress, though, because in a way all of this is suddenly irrelevant. Because life is what happens when you're making other plans.

Song lyric of the moment

Don't know if i miss you
Do you miss the part of me that used to feel?
Maybe if i kissed you
You'd miss the part of you that used to need me
Maybe if i held you
Took some time to tell you
The only time i hold you now is in my dreams
Schemes we shared together
Sweet sunsets, rocking chairs,
Are looking just as faded as my jeans
- Alabama 3
The Thrills are Gone

That which doesn't kill you pretty much just doesn't kill you

“That which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.”

I’ve always kind of hated that line. I mean, it’s optimistic enough, sure. It’s a nice thing to think when bad things happen to you, which is why, I guess, some people tend to spout it at you when things go bad. But it makes what I think is ultimately a false supposition. And that is that self-improvement will always come as a result of adversity.

Personally, I think it’s perfectly conceivable to react to adversity with confusion: “What the fuck was that all about?” I think there are plenty of adverse moments that simply leave us broken, battered, and confused beyond belief.

Particularly if we’re seeking some kind of answer that might be contained in the adverse moment.

In literature, unlike in life, the lessons are often a whole lot easier to wrap your mind around, and perhaps it is because of literature that we’ve come to expect that lessons are contained in those sorts of adverse moments. In children’s books, the lessons are spelled out for you quite plainly. There is a very obvious “moral of the story” moment. Think of the story of the boy who cried wolf, as a really obvious example.

In adult literature, it can sometimes be a little more difficult to isolate the moral of the story. It sometimes requires some reading between the lines, because it would be considered kind of a literary sin to be too obvious with stuff like that. But quite often it’s there, and quite often you can find it without too much work. In Stephen King’s “The Shining” for example, the moral seems to pretty much be that it’s bad to be an alcoholic that tries to murder his family. Which, yeah, okay, solid moral.

But then you find an odd thing happens.

There are some examples of adult literature that don’t really seem have a moral at all. They’re kind of vacant, kind of empty, in that regard. They’re still entertaining reads, but because they are, in some way, about life – and because life quite often has no obvious moral to provide – there is no moral to be found between any of the lines. Except, maybe, that sometimes life is random and painful and meaningless.

Which, I guess, is kind of a moral in its own way.

When I was younger I used to prefer the first kind of story – the kind that had a moral of some kind, however hidden amongst the text it might be. Nowadays I tend to prefer the latter, because on some level I think it’s more honest. I tend to favour those sorts of films too (as in Magnolia – which has recently been upgraded to my second favourite film of all time) which, I think, is ultimately about the sometimes random, sometimes painful, and sometimes meaninglessness of life.

Of course, it’s equally about the sometimes random, sometimes wonderful, and sometimes jubilant sides of life as well. Because life is about both.

But one thing that life is not always about is meaning. Which is frustrating, because in spite of my fondness for ultimately meaningless art, I have a hard time applying that sort of approach to my life. When bad things happen, I ask myself, “What does this mean?” I ask myself, “What am I supposed to learn from this?” I find myself asking, “What the fuck was that about?”

And more often than not, there isn’t an answer.

And I want to tell myself that it’s because life is random and painful and meaningless, but I can’t because something inside of is convinced that if I look hard enough, if I try hard enough, I can yank a meaning out of it somehow. And then that random, painful, meaningless moment will have meaning, thus justifying my having experienced it.

Stupid. Futile. But a hard habit to break.

So the people who are inclined to say, “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” I say, thanks, but not thanks. My subconscious is already convinced of this, regardless of how ridiculous it is. I don’t need any help thinking this way.

It’s a heck of a lot less optimistic, but I’d take, “That which doesn’t kill you only prolongs the inevitable,” any day. At least it’s a whole lot more honest.

Random 10 on Friday Part 5

I can not even begin to tell you how fuzzled my brain is right now. Less than a week to go until “Monkey House” opens, and it feels like there’s still a kazillion things to do. The program is about 90% complete now, having just done a bunch of work on it. I’ll need to track down some details from my Producer, and from cast and crew, before sending to press, but the majority of the ugly work is done.

Sitting here, post program work, I realize that it’s Friday night. And ka-boom, I realize I haven’t done a random 10. So, okay, it’s technically past midnight, but I haven’t slept yet, so as far as I’m concerned it’s still Friday.

1. Alabama 3 – R-E-H-A-B – After much searching, I finally tracked down the third A3 album, and while my initial reaction was a little bit cold, I’m starting to warm up to it. This is probably my favorite song on the album, thus far, and given that I can’t seem to get enough A3 lately, it’s no surprise that this is track zero.


2. Evanescence – Haunted – Early demo-ish sounding version of the song from their debut album. I think I must’ve downloaded far too much early demo-ish sounding stuff from them, as it’s just about the only thing that ever seems to come up during a random 10. Oh, and I guess I should as the question I think I’ve asked just about every time their stuff has come up – Is there going to be a second studio album? C’mon! Get to work!


3. They Might Be Giants – Critic Intro – This song is, to be frank, completely fucked. And I love it. The whole thing is just TMBG pretending to quote music reviews from magazines that don’t exist like “Aquarian Weekly.” These guys, really, are just too fucked up for words.


4. They Might Be Giants – Robot Parade – Two in a row, nice. This is apparently from their children’s album, but this version is apparently all adult-ized and stuff, by adding loud crunching guitars, would be my guess. Whatever the case, good song.


5. Shakira – Eyes Like Yours – I know she’s just put out a new album, but my bet is on the whole “One Hit Wonder” thing (or one album wonder, as the case may be). The song “Underneath your Clothes” from this album still kind of stick in the back of my mind, as it will be forever associated with a not-so-stellar date with a stripper / escort I met online. And that date failure will always kind of haunt me, because she was pretty goddamn hot.


6. Depeche Mode – Somebody – This is kind of a weird song. It starts kind of sweetly…like a traditional love song, where the singer lists all the things he’s looking for in a partner. But by the time you get to the end of it, it’s something completely different. In the last few lines, it’s almost like every kind thought and gesture in the rest of the song had just been thrown out the window. One of the better DM songs, in my opinion.


7. Peter Gabriel – Here Comes the Flood – Can’t say I’ve heard this song before (wow, like that’s a surprise).


8. Shania Twain – Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You) – Damn, you know, I made it so long without any embarrassments in this list, and now they creep in two weeks in a row. What can I say, I’m a download whore.


9. Fiona Apple – I Know – A coworker I had a few years back turned me on to Fiona Apple’s stuff, and it was only later that I realized that she had, at one point, been dating a director I’m quite fond of – Paul Thomas Anderson. Which is not to say that I’d have been more inclined to like her music if I’d known she was involved with a filmmaker whom I thought made fantastic films, just that coincidences are weird sometimes.


10. The Smashing Pumpkins – Muzzle – Album downloaded for a song or two. Nuff said.


11. Alexander Brandon – Duclare Chateau / Paris – Ah, music from the video game “Deus Ex.” Hearing this stuff always makes me want to play it again. Hands down the best game I ever played. Ever. Period.

Oscars 2006: Okay, so I did it

Good Lord, it's too late for this. I should be in bed.

Unfortunately, I made promises to a friend to convert some audio from a minidisc to a CD. Well, three minidiscs to three CDs. One is done, one is in progress, and one -- I think -- will be done tomorrow morning.

What that means, though, is I'm, sitting here with at least another hour to kill, and not a heck of a lot to do. So, in spite of the fact that I really didn't think I was going to get this out, here it is.

If you want to see my pics for the top six awards (best actor, actress, supporting actor, supporting actress, director, picture) you'll have to check the column. This blog post is for every other category.

And so, let's begin, in no particular order.

ANIMATED FEATURE
Howl's Moving Castle
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Winner: Wallace & Gromit
I haven't heard of "Howl's Moving Castle" but I seem to recall hearing at some point that this was an odd year for the animated feature category, because none of the films had been traditionally animated. Which, I've gotta admit, is pretty cool. I have huge support for anyone doing something non-traditionally. Traditions are made to be broken just as much as rules are. Having said all of that, I'm putting my support behing Wallace & Gromit because, I dunno, they seem to have quite a following. I've never seen any of their stuff myself, so I can't speak with any conviction, but apparently it involves cheese, so there's bonus points there, as far as I'm concerned. Plus, I hear "Corpse Bride" wasn't quite as good as "Nightmare Before Christmas" so...well, "A" for effort, I guess, but try again.

ART DIRECTION
Good Night, and Good Luck
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King King
Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice
Winner: Good Night, and Good Luck
Okay, I might as well get this out of my system now. I'm not seeing much going in King Kong's favour at the Oscars. Peter Jackson has already had his massive love-fest with the third Lord of the Rings film, and while I'm sure it's an honour just to be nominated, I don't see too many awards heading his way anytime soon. Quite frankly, I'd be kind of pissed if he had a major Oscar clean-up again. Or am I maybe one of the few that thinks he might be just a *little* overrated. What was I talking about? Oh, right, the award for Art Direction. "Good Night, and Good Luck" creates a paranoid, McCarthy-esque, early-60s feel, complete with the oh-so-artsy black and white photography. Haven't seen the film, but I heard it looks very much like a 60s-ish live television drama, with limited sets, which in a way is probably perfect for the material. With an artistic approach like that, risks were clearly taken, and sometimes those risks are honoured.

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Batman Begins
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night, and Good Luck
Memoirs of a Geisha
The New World
Winner: The New World
Terrance Mallick is one of those funny filmmakers who often has years between projects. His last film -- "The Thin Red Line" -- hit theatres seven years ago, and before that it was twenty years back to "Days of Heaven." He's clearly the type who's very careful with his work, and doesn't do something until it's completely, perfectly ready. He'd also be the type to be very careful, and very particular with his cinematography. Though I suppose it's possible that it might go to "Good Night..." just because it's black and white. But that'd be kind of sad.

COSTUME DESIGN
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Memoirs of a Geisha
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
Walk the Line
Winner: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
It's usually a good bet to go with the historical epics in the costume design category, because they tend to really stand out in their era-accurate costumes. "Charlie" seems to be the underdog in this category, but I'm gonna support it. Tim Burton had a fantastic vision for this film, and it was a vision that -- by necessity -- found its way into the costumes. They're weird, but they're wonderful, and I'm willing to bet that they'll win.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Darwin's Nightmare
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
March of the Penguins
Murderball
Street Fight
Winnter: Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
I made a mistake last year by picking the popular documentary (Super Size Me) following the win of Fahrenheit 911 the previous year. This year's popular pick would have to be "March of the Penguins" which took a lot of people by surprise, but I'm not going to be tricked two years in a row. As for my "Enron" pick...well, what could possible be more interesting or topical than a film about that company, really?

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club
God Sleeps in Rwanda
The Mushroom Club
A Note of Trumph: The Gold Age of Norman Corwin
Winner: The Death of Kevin Carter
Okay, c'mon, it's the documentary short category -- you haven't heard of any of these films either. So let's just accept that any prediction is going to be yanked out of your arse. Having said, that I stumbled upon Kevin Carter's name a day or two after making this prediction, and read a little bit about his story, and am now convinced that, at the very least, this would probably a very, very interesting film. As for why I picked it...well, it seemed like an interesting title.

FILM EDITING
Cinderella Man
The Constant Gardener
Crash
Munich
Walk the Line
Winner: Munich
Okay, so Munich is going to be mostly passed over by the Oscars. Sorry Steve. Good try, maybe next time. Still, I'm inclined to think they'll have a hard time passing over the film entirely, so this is one of those categories where they could toss the film a bone and say, "Hey, thanks for being there."

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Don't Tell
Joyeux Noel
Paradise Now
Sophie Scholl - The Final Days
Tsotsi
Winner: Sophie School - The Final Days
I don' tknow who Sophie Scholl is, but any film about someone's final days simply has to be interesting on at least some level.

MAKEUP
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
Cinderella Man
Stars Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
Winner: Narnia
I can' really make any logical, sensible judgement about whether or not Star Wars' makeup was better because the movie just sucked so much ass. Massive amounts of ass. There was so much ass sucking going on it was unbelievable. So, fine, Narnia wins.

ORIGINAL SCORE
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant gardener
Memoirs of a Geisha
Munich
Pride & Prejudice
Winner: Munich
Well, there's no Danny Elfman in the list of nominees this year, so I'll give it to John Williams. And I'll give it to Munich because the music is probably all emotional and complicated and stuff. Like the film. Yeah.

ORIGINAL SONG
"In the Deep" - Crash
"It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" - Hustle and Flow
"Travellin' Thru" - Transamerica
Winner: "In the Deep"
I actually saw this film, but have no recollection of the song. But, you know, there'll probably be an award or two tossed in its direction, and this one of the places where they could get away with the toss.

SHORT FILM - ANIMATED
Badgered
The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation
The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello
9
One Man Band
Winner: Badgered
Because badgers are funny. If not this one, then "9" because numbers as title as funny, especially if they're not spelled out.

SHORT FILM - LIVE ACTION
Ausreisser )The Runaway)
Cashback
The Last Farm
Our Time is Up
Six Shooter
Winner: Six Shooter
Mostly just becauese it sounds kind of violent.

SOUND EDITING
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
War of the Worlds
Winner: War of the Worlds
This is one that could easily go to Kong, but I'm still predicting that the Academy is going to pretend like Peter Jackson simply doesn't exist after devouring the Oscars last year.

SOUND MIXING
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
King Koong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Walk the Line
War of the Worlds
Winner: Narnia
Have I mentioned that I've seen this film? Have I mentioned that I found it spectacularly average? And really, that's kind of the worst thing a film can be. I mean, if you're going to be good, then be *good*. And if you're going to be bad, you know, be *bad*. Still, mixing together all that battle sound probably gives it the upper hand.

VISUAL EFFECTS
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
King Kong
War of the Worlds
Winner: War of the Worlds
Same as with Sound Editing -- I think they're gonna ignore Kong.

SCREENPLAY - ADAPTED
Brokback Mountain
Capote
The Constant Gardener
A History of Violence
Munich
Winner: The Constant Gardener
As much as I'd love to see "Violence" get it, because it's adapted from a comic book, and because it's a Cronenberg film, I think this'll be another tip of the hat to "Gardener." But what do I know...

SCREENPLAY - ORIGINAL
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Match Point
The Squid and the Whale
Syriana
Winner: Crash
Having seen this film, I've got to admit that it's only real strong point is the screenplay. In so many ways it just seemed like an average, trying to make a profound point, kind of film. But the screenplay is fantastic. It manages to just kind dabble in the interconnectedness of things without going over the top. And did you know that the screenplay was written by the guy who created the slightly cheese-ball "Canada-Meets-US" television drama "Due South"? I shit you not.

And so there it is. My crappy Oscar predicitions, now officially released to the general public so I can mocked and scorned and ridiculed when my predicitons turn out to be completely false. But I'm okay with that. As I think I've mentioned a time or two in the past, it's been a real long time since I cared much what other people thought of me or, apparently, my opinions about the Oscars.

Seeya later.

Random 10 on a Friday Part 4

Okay, it’s late. Yes, it’s technically past midnight. But I’m gonna play the “It’s not tomorrow until I’ve slept and woken up” and call this yet another Random 10 on Friday. I mean, c’mon, I’ve been busy. A play to direct, a play to write (don’t ask), work, some crappy excuse for a social life. I just finished working on the Monkey House posters with Brad Hammerstron tonight, which kept me busy until just about midnight as it was (check out wltheatre.blogspot.com for a poster preview, by the way)

1. Oingo Boingo – Pain (Remix) – You know, maybe I should actually listen to some of those songs that I download and never listen to. This was one of them – a song that sat on my hard drive for months, years, before I ever heard it. And, upon hearing it, I like it a hell of a lot. Classic goofy but dark Oingo Boingo.


2. Amanda Marshall – Birmingham – I have vague memories of this song from the mid 90s, like it got some radio play, and like I thought maybe it wasn’t bad. And I have vague memories of getting her CD for my birthday and thinking, “Um, thanks, but why?” Oh, vague memories, how sweet you are…


3. Shania Twain – You Win My Love – Um, yes, I have Shania Twain on my hard drive. Uh, no, I can’t really tell you why. Except that it’s not for this song.


4. Mike Oldfield – Russian – From the 2003 remake of Tubular Bells called “Tubular Bells 2003.” Part of the problem with breaking Tubular Bells into individual tracks is that there are so many changes in tone and tempo and everything else that you can end up with tiny little songs. Like this one.


5. Depeche Mode – I Feel You (Renegade Soundwave Afghan Surgery Mix) – As a general rule, I’m actually fond of most remixes, if it’s a song I already like. It’s sort of like adding a slightly different, though not necessarily bad, flavour to a dish you’re already quite fond of. Remixes that decide to toss the lyrics out the window to make room for a lot of repetitive drums beats and bass rhythms…those I don’t care for quite as much. Which is too bad, in this case, because the original song is quite good.


6. Nine Inch Nails – Ripe (With Decay) – It’s awkward for me to admit this, but I have traditionally turned off “The Fragile” before getting to this final song. Embarrassing, in part, because I’m kind of a dork when it comes to following albums through to the end, on the whole. And also because it’s a pretty good song, in a freaky, messed up way.


7. U2 – Where the Streets Have No Name – Ah, a U2 song from an era when I still listened to them. And from when they still seemed somehow musically relevant. Oh, those were the days.


8. 9 – I have no idea who this is. The MP3 info only lists it as track number nine. But it sounds an awful lot like Julee Cruise, and because I’m sure it’s not off her “Floating into the Night” album, there’s the possibility that it’s track number 9 on “The Voice of Love” which would mean it’s called “In My Other World.” But don’t quote me on that.


9. Radiohead – You Never Wash Up After Yourself – You know, I love Radiohead, but everytime I hear them, I think about how they were constantly referred to as the post-U2 “Best Band In The World” – a title which now, apparently, belongs to Coldplay – and I just find myself wondering, why the bloody fuck do we need to have a best band in the world?


10. Britney Spears – Sometimes – Okay, let’s not even talk about what the fuck this is doing on my hard drive.


11. 4 Non Blondes – What’s Up – Funny song to end on this week, as it’s a song that my brain has been dying to hear for awhile now, but I’ve refused to play it. Guess fate decided to step in and appease my brain.

Random 10 On Friday Part 3

Yes, it’s true, the sad excuse for a social life that I had cobbled together has fallen apart. What this means, though, is yet another Friday Random 10 that actually occurs on a Friday.

1. A3 – Too Sick To Pray – I really haven’t been able to get enough of Alabama 3 since I first snagged two of their albums a few weeks back. “Too Sick To Pray” does a fantastic job hitting notes of hope and redemption that ring so profoundly within me. “Just because I burned my bible, baby, it don’t mean I’m too sick to pray.”


2. Nine Inch Nails – Reptile – Is it just me, or has NIN stuff been showing up in my random playlists a lot lately? I must be in a cranky, raging kind of mood, or something, and the fates must know it.


3. Sinead O’Connor & The Pogues – Haunted – I downloaded some insane 10-CD set of Sinead O’Connor stuff, and listened to maybe two or three songs. They’re still on my hard drive, and I’m sure they’re quite good – she really does have a phenomenal voice – but I’m not sure if I’ll ever hear them. The more I think about the amount of music I have on my hard drive that I’ll never hear, the weirder the notion of it becomes.


4. Charles Manson – Eyes of Dreamer – You know, he wasn’t a bad musician. Maybe if he had been encouraged a bit more, he wouldn’t have…nah.


5. Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough – I remain a bit of a Depeche Mode fan to this day, but this song has never done much for me.


6. Sinead O’Connor – Easter Rebellion – More Sinead that I don’t know. This is a weird Random 10 this week, at least it is so far.


7. Evanescence – Demise – An Evanescence rarity, and one that doesn’t sound overly familiar, for, very likely, the obvious reasons. Download the rarity, never listen to it. When the heck are they going to put out a new studio album?


8. U2 – Numb (New Mix) – This is off the last U2 album I ever bought (Zooropa, if memory serves me correctly). Also the last U2 album I ever actually sat down and listened to. For the most part the album didn’t do much for me, but there were a few good songs. This one included.


9. Alannah Myles – Make Me Happy – This album (Rockinghorse) is something I could probably file under the heading of “guilty pleasure”. Myles’ career seemed to just sort of sink out of the limelight after this album, but there are some great songs on here.


10. Jesper Kyd – Japanese Mansion – Music from the “Hitman” series of videogames. For the most part, Kyd’s stuff is moody but ambient, but still a blast to listen to. Heavy on the percussion for the most part, and it just leaves you feeling you should have a silenced pistol in your hand, and an enemy in your sights. Which is why, I guess, it’s music from a game about being a Hitman.


11. Kidney Thieves – Layers – And speaking of video game music…Kidney Thieves tunes were used in “Deus Ex: Invisible War” in the bars that contained the NG Resonance AI Simulations. I fell in love with the music – this song in particular – and spent about a half hour one night tracking down the artist. It’s funny the things we integrate into our lives from the strangest sources.

I guess it's safe to go back into the water now.

Peter Benchley, the author best known for the novel "Jaws" died on Sunday.

I only ever read the book once, and wasn't overwhelmingly thrilled with it, but it was the first book that I read that contained sexual references that I understood (I read Stephen King's "Cujo" in the third grade, but the one scene that involved a character masturbating went completely over my head).

In the Jaws scene, the wife of one character is meeting with another character for lunch. It's someone she feels an attraction to, and in her head, she fantasizes a little about him and about -- if memory serves me correctly -- slipping off her panties so she can masturbate while driving home. She then imagines that she'd end up in a car accident, dead, panty-less, the legs of her corpse spread wide, her vagina, "glistening wet, yawning open for the world to see."

Okay, I'm not 100% certain that's an exact quote. But if it's off, it's not off by much. I don't know why those words have stuck in brain for all these years, but they have. That sentence had a profound impact on my hormone-adled adolescent brain.

Thanks, Peter Benchley, for introducing me to sex in literature, and in your own small way setting me down a path where I would eventually write a series of short stories about a stalker who talks about masturbation far, far too often.

Rest in peace.

What I believe.

I believe in God.

I believe we were put here for a reason, and that the reason is not beyond our grasp. I believe that if we try hard enough, we can uncover what that reason is, and I believe that Kurt Vonnegut’s son was likely very close to the truth when he said, “We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.”

I believe in socialized health care and I believe that our justice system should focus on rehabilitation over revenge. I believe that there is nothing purer in the world than the arts, nothing purer than the notion of trying to communicate an idea to an audience. I believe that communication is something that we, as entire species, need to work on. I believe that speaking the truth, however painful, is an ultimately positive thing. As a wise man once said, the truth shall set you free.

I believe in love. I believe there is no larger gesture of trust than handing your heart to someone and saying, “Do with it what you will.” I believe that pain and heartache are legitimate parts of the human experience. I believe that we are here to feel something and, ultimately, to fell as much as possible. I believe that those who are content with hamburger helper and wheel of fortune and anal sex are missing something, something vibrant and vital to their existences. And I believe that, on some level, they know they’re missing out. But they just don’t have the strength to care.

I believe that happiness only truly exists in contrast with sorrow. I believe that you can not experience the dizzying highs without already being familiar with the lows. I believe that if there is any point to why we’re here, it has something to do with feeling something, and that feeling doesn’t necessarily have to be good. There is a whole fuck of a lot of learning that can come from the bad feelings too.

I believe that if there is any universal truth to be discovered, that it will only come as a result of an awkward and uncomfortable marriage of science and religion. I believe that science has to throw out their annoying insistence that if it can not be measure our put in a Petri dish, that it doesn’t exist. And I believe that religion has to start looking at their philosophies with a mindset that says, if it doesn’t make sense anymore, we throw it out.

I believe that God wants us to be happy. I believe that God wants us to uncover the ultimate truth. And I believe that God is very aware that it might require throwing away some of the things that those who are supposedly closest to him hold dear.

I believe that I am madly in love, and I believe that is probably not the wisest thing I could be right now.

I believe that feelings are inescapable. I believe that we are slaves to our hearts, and more important, that we should be slaves to our hearts. I believe that if you are ever struggling between logic and emotion, then you should kick logic in the fucking nuts and follow your heart. I believe that the phrase, “Follow your heart,” exists for very goddamn good reasons.

I believe that your brain exists to crunch numbers, and remember whether or not you have a moral issue with veal. But I believe your heart exists to make that moral decision in the first place, and to decide the significance of the numbers your brain just crunched. I believe it should be a sin to get too wrapped up in the details without noticing the bigger picture. I believe that the bigger picture is not always available to us, but it should be, and wouldn’t things be so much easier if it was?

I believe that, as a general rule, mankind is headed to hell in a handbasket. But I also believe that we are not beyond redemption.

I believe in redemption. More than anything else, I believe in redemption.

I believe that if we don’t make the effort to embrace the things that hurt us, that we will never truly appreciate the things that make us joy. I believe in contrasts. I believe in black and white, and the oceans of grey in between.

I believe that I will never find someone to love who will also love me back.

And I don’t believe that bothers me.

Note to self:

Get on with the getting on.

Reconnecting with the Divine (Part Two)

Dear God:

Okay, I get the point.

Wait, well, no, actually I don't get the point. The point is something I'm completely missing here. But I get the message. Loud and clear. So, in spite of the fact that it was the message I was looking for, fine, I'll accept it, because that's what life is -- accepting that things don't always go our way. Accepting that there are ups and downs, and hurdles, and pain, and bullshit. Fine, I accept that.

But I still want to know what the point is. What this is supposed to teach me, what I'm supposed to learn from this. And more importantly, why you chose to teach me this bizarre, unexplained lesson in this way.

Because it's not just the lesson. It's the context of the lesson. And I'm sure you know that context is everything. There are hundreds our thousands or millions of ways that you could choose to make a point, so the choice to make it in a certain, specific way says a lot about the lesson itself. What could possibly be learned about the context of the lesson says, I think, more than the lesson itself.

So...I'm sitting here, and I get the message. I get the message very loud and clear. But the point...the point is still missing. The point I'm still looking for. The point still evades me. What was this all about?

And don't pull that whole whole "trust in the Lord" thing, or that "it's all part of God's mysterious, unknowable plan" bullshit either. Because I'm a bright guy, who believes in a God that wouldn't drop stuff onto the lap of someone if that someone wasn't capable of taking something away from it.

And so, I ask again, what is it that I'm supposed to take away from this?

I eagerly await your response.



Regards,
Todd

PS: Yeah, okay, I'm kind of angry right now. Can you tell? Okay, it's nothing personal, really, I just very, very badly want to get this. And get it soon, Because you dropped something on me that has, ultimately, left me very, very fucked up, and while I'm not opposed to being fucked up if there's a point to be made, or a lesson to be learned, I'm still waiting for that point or lesson to be made clear to me.

Random 10 on Friday Part 2

11:52 p.m. So, officially, for two weeks in a row the Friday Random 10 is being done on Friday. Un-freaking-believable.

Been dabbling at quitting smoking the last few days. Smoke-free most of the day, but sucking back one or two just before bed. Not bad, but not great. The plan is to go completely without smoking as of tomorrow. Wish me luck.

1. Jackson Browne – I’m Alive – This is the only Jackson Browne song I have on my hard drive. For a change, I didn’t download an album or two or ten just to track down one song. Nope, I have just the one. But I’m really quite ridiculously fond of it. Last year’s National Novel Writing Month novel (“The Small Town Pornographer’s Blues”) opened each chapter with a quote from a different song (including quotes from Oingo Boingo’s “Little Girls” and Everclear’s “Volvo Driving Soccer Mom”). If I ever make it to the end of the book, it’ll be a quote from this one that opens the Epilogue.


2. The Pixes – I can’t Forget – I’m not sure where this is from. The only Pixes song I’m really familiar with is “Where is My Mind?” and then only because it was used to close the film Fight Club (and what a great close that is). Having said that, this is a pretty good song. It has an odd air of familiarity to me, so I might have heard it before. Once upon a time.


3. Nine Inch Nails – Heresy – I’m going to go out a limb and say that, as far as my own personal interpretation of this song goes, it’s not actually a renouncing of God’s existence and is, instead, a raging against a God that can – quite often – appear cold and indifferent, sometimes viciously cruel, and is often misrepresented by those who are supposed to be his voice among we common mortals. Which, if you ask me, is a perfectly valid way to feel from time to time – I’ll admit I’ve felt that way myself on occasion. Of course, that’s just one interpretation. Trent may have meant something entirely different.


4. Pink Floyd – Magritte Pt. 4 – I’m assuming this is off my “Tree of Secrets” collection of rarities stretched over 18 CDs, because I’m pretty much certain that I’ve never heard this before.


5. U2 – Gone (New Mix) – Ah, here we get into the downloaded-but-never-listened-to-stuff. U2 is a band that I quite enjoyed for a few years after The Joshua Tree, and then just kind of drifted away from. And yet, whenever I bump into one of their albums on Usenet, I give it a download, and then promptly never listen to it. Every once and awhile I’ll stumble onto something really good when listening to a random playlist – something I’ve never heard of again – and then never bump into it again, which is kind of too bad.


6. Alanis Morissette – Heart of the House – What is it Alanis Morissette and my random playlists? The only songs of hers that ever seem to come up are ones I’ve never heard before.


7. Spandau Ballet – Man In Chains – Okay, this one was definitely the result of downloading an entire album to get one song – that song being “Through the Barricades” which I once had a live version on some long-lost audiocassette I bought in the 80s. I spent years wanting to get a copy of that song again, and when I stumbled across the album that contained I, of course, downloaded the whole thing. And then I – say it with me – promptly never listened to any of the other songs on it. Yes, I’m just that good.


8. Radiohead – Lucky (Live) – Abysmal audio quality on this. Clearly a bootleg. Great song, though.


9. Nine Inch Nails – Eraser (Polite) – This version of the song just never really worked for me. It’s unique, certainly, but mostly…just weird.


10. Nine Inch Nails – Closer (Further Away) – From a remix that never really worked for me, to a remix that I’ve always loved (in fact, all three of the “Closer” remixes from the “Further Down the Spiral” album have always been among my favourite Nine Inch Nails tunes, particularly on the percussion side).


11. REM – Nightswimming – You know, I don’t cue up REM stuff anywhere near as often as I should. But it’s always, somehow, just wonderfully perfect when it shows up.

Fucking gimmicks.

I can always tell when a creative idea has struck a big nerve with me, a nerve that will compell me to follow that creative idea through. It's when I start thinking of gimmicks. Yeah, it's weird, but it's true.

When it comes to plays, the gimmick usually involves music. Once I start researching music to some ridiculously deep degree, it is then that I realize that this is, in fact, a play I want to direct. With "Some Things You Need To Know Before The World Ends: A Final Evening With The Illuminati" the gimmick moment was either the decision to end the play with "What if God Was One of Us" or -- more likely -- the realization that I could use the Lacrimosa from Mozart's Requiem against the final scene of Reverend Eddie's basketball game against death (which is probably my favourite moment from the play). With "Welcome to the Monkey House" it was the moment that I realized that I had spent two hours researching the marches of John Philip Souza looking for something that I could use for exit music.

But it's not just theatre. I ended up working on a collaborative comic book project with someone a few years ago where my decision to tackle the writing chores of the project was based, almost entirely, on the gimmick that, in this fictional world, none of the super heroes could fly. And that flight would represent a child's hopes and dreams for everything that a hero could be, and ultimately wasn't. And that, at the end of the story, he would have to rediscover that hope when everything seemed at its worst, and put his faith in a pathetic, malfunctional rocket pack in order to escape certain death.

Today, I was challenged to write a play in the next few months (a very, very, very short time frame). I laughed and dismissed, then started to consider it, then started to consider it somewhat seriously. I did some research on the topic tonight on returning home, and have now, much to my dismay, stumbled upon a gimmick: Opening each of likely three acts with a sound-effect in darkness. The first, a girl screaming in terror. The second, a rifle shot. The third...

Well, that's the problem. I don't have the third sound effect yet. All I know is that, ideally, to mesh with the other two, it should be sudden and sharp and violent.

I also have little doubt that I'll manage to figure out what sound effect to use here. Because I hit two out of three without even breaking a sweat.

I really don't think I have the time or the energy to pursue this project, but I'm also wise enough to know that, having stumbled onto a creative gimmick, it'll be hard to keep myself from at least dabbling in the project.

And so I say, "Fucking gimmicks."

Stickage Happens

A massive Stick Figure Drama update is now complete, bringing the online archives up to date with the current issue of the newspaper. I do this honour of someone from 100 Mile House phoning CBC radio to mention my name as a cartoonist willing to tackle issues like drug abuse and alcoholism. At this rate, I'll burn through my 15 minutes of fame in no time.

It's funny the things you suddenly realize, sometimes.

Oh Lord, I have made you a place in my heart
Among the rags and the bones and the dirt
There's piles of lies, the love gone from her eyes
And old moving boxes full of hurt
Pull up a chair by the trouble and care
I got whiskey, you're welcome to some
Oh Lord, I have made you a place in my heart
But I don't reckon you're gonna come

I've tried to fix up the place, I know it's a disgrace
You get used to it after a while
With the flood and the drought and old pals hanging out
With their IOU's and their smiles
Bare-naked women keep coming in
And they dance like you wouldn't believe
Oh Lord, I have made you a place in my heart
So take a good look - and then leave

Oh Lord, why does the Fall get colder each year?
Lord, why can't I learn to love?
Lord, if you made me, it's easy to see
That you all make mistakes up above
But if I open the door, you will know I'm poor
And my secrets are all that I own
Oh Lord, I have made you a place in my heart
And I hope that you leave it alone

- Greg Brown
Oh Lord, I have made you a place in my heart

Honestly, I've adored this song for years (though my first experience was through a live Ani DiFranco version of it -- and what I wouldn't give to hear her do a studio version of this son) but it never really occurred to me until, just now, just how incredibly sad it is.

It's Friday. Oh yes, yes it is.

I’ve been doing some writing exercises as of late. I signed up for 100 Words, which is sort of like National Novel Writing Month, but with more of an emphasis on being concise instead of writing really, really fast. The gist of 100 Words is this: You write 100 Words – exactly 100 words, not 99, not 101 – every day for a month. Which can be tricky, I confess, but it’s an exercise. Particularly an exercise in making a point in as few words as possible.

I’ve also been dabbling with One Word, where you go, click a button, and are presented with a  single word and given 30 seconds to write the first things that come to mind. It’s an exercise, for one, of freeing your creative instincts, and just going with the flow, but also, I think, an experiment in free association, and getting a glimpse into your psyche. It’s unnerving, but every word I’ve had for the last three days I’ve been able to write about in connection with my current mental state. Which is either a weird coincidence, or I can twist just about any word to make it appropriate to my current mental state.

And of course, the Friday Random 10 – which, for a change, is occurring on a Friday – is a fantastic writing exercise as well.

Having said that, here’s the Randomness.

1. Jon Brion – So Now Then – I wasn’t planning on using this as my zero song, but it was already cued up, and I’ve quite fallen in love with it. It’s from the Magnolia soundtrack, but instrumentally, it reminds quite a bit of Brion’s “Knock Yourself Out” from the Huckabees soundtrack, which is another song I quite love. There’s also something about this one that meshes with my “cautiously optimistic” sense, that seems to pervade just about every sense of my life. There’s hints of tragedy throughout it, but ultimately a feeling of hope, more than anything else.


2. Enigma – The Roundabout – From the third album, the last one I officially bought and paid for. I think I was getting a little bored of their schtick by that point. But then, I’m pretty hard to satisfy, musically. I have 9,000+ songs on my hard drive, but most of the time, if I’m gonna just cue up some music, it comes from the same batch of four or five artists. I’m weird like that.


3. Joe Satriani – The Bells of Lal (Part 2) – Went on a Satriani downloading binge months ago when there were a few albums worth posted in Usenet. And then I never listen to his stuff. I enjoy it small doses, but for the most part, he actually doesn’t do much for me. Technically proficient as a guitarist, for sure, but bordering a bit too much on the mechanical for my tastes.


4. Crash Test Dummies – How Does a Duck Know – Wow, haven’t heard this song in fricking ages. And it’s a great one. What ever happened to these guys? Are they still around?


5. Counting Crows – Round Here – Mm, another good one. I adored this album for the longest time after I got it. I didn’t warm up quite as much to their later efforts, but there are still definitely some good tracks on those too. Quiet, sad, contemplative music. Definitely my kind of stuff.


6. They Might Be Giants – Which Describes How You’re Feeling – This song is kind of annoying at the best of times. This is an early demo version, which borders on mind-destroyingly annoying, which says a lot, considering my love for all things TMBG.


7. Jewel – Little Sister – Sounds live. It’s a song I don’t recognize. And I find myself wondering, where did this come from?


8. Nine Inch Nails – Metal – Fantastic cover of a Gary Newman song. It sounds familiar, vaguely, but I’m not sure if I was actually familiar with the original. Someone lent me a Gary Newman CD many, many moons ago, and I think it never found their way back to the original owner, in spite of the fact that I never once – not even once – listened to it. I am a sad, sad panda sometimes.


9. Mike Oldfield – Tears of an Angel – From his newest release. Which somehow doesn’t appeal to me so much, because it’s more individual songs than an album-wide kind of masterpiece, but there are still some fantastic tracks on it. Like this one.


10. Joe Satriani – Always With Me, Always With You – Just to prove that I don’t completely dislike the Satch, fate cues up this song, which is one of his absolute best, and one which manages to stir my soul at least a little every time I hear it. Very, very nice, in spite of the kind of 80-ish drum track.


11. Wonderful – No artist info on this track. It sounds either like Annie Lennox, all by herself, or the Eurythmics. I’m guessing a solo track, but I not going to be held to it. (NOTE: Just gConfirmed it (which is my new word for using google to confirm something (man I love nested brackets)) and it is, in fact, Annie Lennox, and it is, in fact, from a solo release)

And that, my friends, is the Random 10 for Friday, February 3, 2006. People don’t feel sorry for the fact that I’m at home, typing this crap, on a Friday night when I could be out doing…well, something else, presumably.

Good night, and good luck.

It's official

I am never leaving the house again.

Seriously.

Sent via BlackBerry on the Bell Mobility network because I am teh kewlz0rz.

Quotables

I went digging for Kurt Vonnegut quotes a few nights ago. I'm directing a theatrical version of "Welcome to the Monkey House" (which adapts four of the stories from that collection) and was hoping I might find something catchy to use on some teaser posters.

The thing about quotes -- and about quotable writers in general, I suppose -- is that they somehow manage to say something important, something beautiful, something significant, in only a handful of words.

Reading through pages and pages of stuff that had been pulled from his work (much of it overlapping things that I had already seen on earlier pages) I came to the conclusion that Vonnegut has within him the ability to say very simple, very beautiful things.

I love simple, beautiful writing.

People have talked about dancers, like Fred Astair, and how once you reach a certain level of skill, the beautiful thing is in making it look easy. I think it's like with writers too. That, at a certain point, they have ability to make a simple turn of phrase seem ridiculously simple. But I'm sure it didn't come out of them quite as easily.

After reading Vonnegut quotes for about an hour, I found myself thinking of my own work, and how, most of the time, it's wretched and clunky and heavy-handed, and not at all simple and beautiful. Which is kind of a disappointment. But hardly one worth giving up the notion of writing. I'm sure, with the idea in my head, it's something that I can strive to improve.

In fact, I discovered yesterday, I may not even have to strive to accomplish it. I read a little something that I wrote recently which were a series of ridiculously short and -- quote often -- somewhat beautiful things in response to a series of questions posted at another blog (which remains unlinked, as I'm not sure the person in question would like the flood of people I'm sure would come from this site to hers -- and by flood I mean two or three).

It was nice to see something from my head that was simple and somewhat beautiful. Nice to know that achieving that sort of thing isn't just a dream or a fantasy, that it might, in fact, occur.

Writing has been a big part of my life for, well, most of my life now. I don't do it anywhere near as much as I should, would love to either have the drive or the opportunity to do more of it. But, even though I seem to go through phases of massive output then phases with little of anything, I don't think I could entirely purge it from my life. And if I'm not going to get rid of it, it's nice to think that, at the very least, I can continue to improve, day by day, month by month, year by year.

Very nice indeed.

Blind, foolish honesty.

I almost deleted that last post, the morning after writing it.

It was late when I posted it, my head wasn't screwed on quite straight, and I think if it had been, as much as I needed to get those words out of my system, I probably would have elected *not* to post it.

What stopped me from hitting the delete button was this: It was the truth.

I've always kind of walked a fine line at this blog, because honesty in writing means so very much to me. So everything I've printed here has been honest, but I've been careful about not drifting too far into the truth of my own life. Because with a public blog, where you name and face are attached, you sometimes don't want the entire world to know things about you, like, say, when you're in the middle of an emotional and / or spiritual crisis.

But then I thought of two things. First, that I really haven't cared much what others thought of me in a number of years. And second, that I'd already crossed the line by posting it. I had already made it public. I had already shouted it out to the world. It would be a mistake, I think, and an act of weakness to pretend, at that point, that I hadn't meant it. To say, "Whoops, sorry, that wasn't meant for you."

So I'll let it stand.

Which is not to say that I'll often be doing this sort of thing again, mind you.