I am so fucking tired.

I want to be a better person than I am.

I don't want this to impress Jesus. I don't want this because I'm afraid that God will fling me down into some firey lake of sulfur and suffering if I don't. I don't want this because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't.

I want this because, as a human being, I should want it. I want this because, like it or not, we're different from dogs or cats or wildebeest or antelope. Maybe the only measureable difference is that we've managed to develop nuclear weapons that could wipe out the planet a few-dozen times over, but it's still measureable.

Like it or not, we're different.

And we should hold ourselves to higher standards.

So why don't we?

I feel sometimes like I can't get away from people who don't give a shit about trying to be better. People who are happy to be just as cruel and selfish as everyone else -- and better yet, people who are on a race to see who can be the most cruel, the most selfish.

That's most people, actually.

And when you look at them, stabbing each other in the back, fucking each other over, being cruel and stupid to one another for no real reason other than to be cruel and stupid, I can't help but feel, why the fuck do I bother?

Why do I give a shit about holding myself to a standard above what any and everyone else seems to hold themselves to?

I mean, the fact is, you can't win by trying to be better.

The only reward for integrity is integrity itself. There's no cash in it. No one's gonna give you a Christmas bonus or a new car or a promotion because you did the right thing. In fact, most people won't even notice, because they wouldn't know what the right thing was if it bit them on the ass.

The only reward for integrity is integrity itself, and you can't fucking buy a cup of coffee with it, so what damn good is it?

What damn good is it when you can't sleep at night knowing how many people around you have none, have no shame, have no guilt, and have no remorse. How can you sleep at night knowing there are people who are living far worse lives than you have, and are happier for it?

What I want to do is this.

I want to say, "Fuck it."

I want to say, "Fuck integrity. Fuck being a better person. And fuck any and everyone who gets in my way. I'm going to be cold and cruel and mean and selfish, and I'm going to take what I want, and I don't give a flying fuck who gets hurt along the way, because it's all about me. I have no desire to be a better person. All I want is what I want, and I won't stop until I get it, and I don't care how sick and twisted and fucked up a human being I have to become along the way to get it."

That's what I want to say.

Instead, all I can say is this: "Fuck all of you."

Fuck all of you who puts yourself first. Fuck all of you who doesn't think about who you're stepping on while you're pursuing your dreams. Fuck all of you who lie and cheat and steal. And an extra special fuck all of you who take the time to feel a little bit guilty before going out and doing it all over again.

Because I'm right.

Because we should hold ourselves to a higher standard.

Because we can hold ourselves to a higher standard, but too many of us refuse to, because we're too goddamn lazy.

Fuck all of you.

Because I don't want to be a part of you anymore.