Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Breaking the cycle.

I never expected to be happy.

I never was, really. Two points for my ability to read the future.

If shown an object, in the centre of 100 objects, that was my exact desire, a single thing that would make me happier than I could imagine, and I was asked what I thought I thoguht, out of those 100 objects, I would, I would probably pick something 95 objects away from my heart's desire.

Because I never expected to be happy.

Life, when you get right down to it, isn't much more than a bunch of objects layed before you, waiting for you to choose which you want, which you're going to struggle for.

The things I wanted...well, I never expected to get them, so I picked something else. Not necessarily the closest approximation of what I wanted. Just something that was in the vague vicinity.

Less of a victory, and more of a "thanks for playing, here's a copy of our home game!" version of life.

I've been doing this for so long that I don't know how to stop. I've been doing this for so long that when I pick something that's miles away from what I really want, there's a part of me that believes its actually a desire.

I have a self-perpetuating need to be less than what I can be.

And it's a cycle that's a bitch to break.

I don't want to say that it's an unbreakable cycle -- as much as it might feel that way right now, saying that, admitting that publicly, would be so self-defeating. I can't do that.

Because, in spite of everything else, there is a tiny part of me that is aware of what's going on -- if there wasn't, this post wouldn't exist. And that tiny part believes that identifying the problem is the first step in curing it.

So: Problem identified.

I don't know if there's any cure for it. I hope there is. I pray there is. I can't keep going like this for much longer -- where every choice I make is the wrong one, but it's an acceptible one given the alternatives.

I'm fucking tired of the alternatives.

I'm tired of living a life that's an alternative to happiness.

I'm tired of working a job that's an alternative to satisfaction.

I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning with a crazy grin stretching my lips to their capacity. I want to look forward to my day. I want to look forward to my evening. I want to be glad to be alive.

And whatever alternative there might be to that, simply isn't fucking good enough.

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