Monday, April 14, 2008

You're older than you've ever been.

April 14th, 2008. Almost halfway through the fourth month of the year, nearly a quarter of the way through this year. Wasn't it just Christmas? What the fuck.

In another four months I'll be 35. Where does the time go? When did it start flying by so quickly. I'm getting old. This is insane. When do I have to start worrying about bowel and prostate cancer? When do I have to start getting scared that I'm still a smoker? When do heart attacks and strokes suddenly become a tangible possibility? Am I already there?

Good Lord, how did this happen?

I'm a wreck today. Only slept a handful of hours. Spent most of the night convinced that I was going to die in my sleep. No idea why. Arms hurt, and I had the shakes. Thought it was maybe a hangover from some intense drinking the night before, but I didn't feel *that* bad throughout the day. Seemed odd that it would hit me so hard at the end of it.

Death is everywhere today. It clings to my mind from last night's paranoia, then reading a story on the 'Net about 47 year old university professor dying of pancreatic cancer, then news of a man I had known briefly a few years ago killing himself. Death is everywhere.

I should be working on that play, the new play. Not much time to get it done -- the end of April is my deadline if I want to have a hope of putting it on for Actoberfest. Time slipping through my hands again. Time flying by faster than I can keep up. Two weeks to finish a 60 page play. Should be conceivable, but I won't get any work done today. Head is too thick, too tired, can't think straight.

Four months to 35. Fucking madness. 35 and then 40, and then 50, and then 60. Blink and it's over. Blink and you're on your deathbed.

More death.

Haunting me today.

I wish I knew why.

What waits for us after this life is over? Is this it? Close your eyes, rattle out your last breath, and then nothing. Just like you never were. Just like none of it ever was. That terrifies me. Incredibly.

Can't keep thinking like this. It's depressing.

If I don't get a decent night's sleep tonight, I will go insane.

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