Thursday, June 16, 2005

Dear Ms. Mother-of-the-woman-of-my-dreams

Good day, ma'am. You don't know me, but the reason that I am writing to you is that I am madly in love with your daughter and would like to ask for her hand in marriage.

I know this might seem a little old fashioned, but I pride myself on being both a romantic and chivilrous gentleman, as comfortable with tradition as I am with the 21st century.

I also know that your daughter is, in fact, still married, which might make this request seem a little odd. But believe me when I tell you have given this an enormous amount of thought, and I have decided to ask for your daughter's other hand.

In many ways I feel that this approach, as untraditional as it might be, will suit me better. The traditional hand of marriage, defined as the hand adorned with the ring, is the left, and while I have no actual bias against lefties, I haven't always gotten along smashingly with them. Also, I myself am right-handed, and might find an easier time if I were to receive your daughter's right hand in marriage.

Not to say that I wouldn't love your daughter's left hand just as much if it were available to me! Please don't think that. I would love every part of your daughter equally, left hand or right; eye, ear or nose. Even that weird lumpy kind of thing that she has on the side of her neck. What is that, anyway? No, nevermind, this isn't the place to ask.

In closing, I want to assure you that I adore your daughter with all my heart, that she is, in fact, the woman of my dreams, and will love and cherish her until the day I die, should you find yourself willing to grant me the honour of her hand, either one, in marriage.


PS: Should it turn out that neither hand is available, I'd be willing to negotiate the possibility of marrying one of her feet.

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