Hello, World of Warcraft.

Hello Todd, you sexy, sexy bitch.

Oh, now, hey...come on. Why do you have to go and say things like that?

Because I love you, baby. I want you. I need you. And I know you need me to.

Look, I know we've had kind of a serious thing going on here lately, but I think maybe it's time we started seeing other people, you know?

Who are you kidding. You know you want me, need me, can't live without me.

It just seems like you've maybe become a bit too big an influence in my life. And I'm beginning to think you're using me.

Moi? Whatever might I be using you for?

Well, money, I guess, more than anything else. I mean, you're not exactly cheap.

And I'm not easy either, baby, but I'm worth it. Worth every penny. Because I love you long time, I love you like-

Okay, stop with the sexual innuendo. That's getting creepy. You're a video game for God's sake.

I'm not just a video game and you know it.

That's what concerns me. You're more like crack cocaine.

But a beautiful, sexy, well-designed, and-oh-so-fun to be around kind of crack cocaine. And if you were pregnant while you played me, your baby probably wouldn't come out all malformed.

Probably?

Well, I mean, I don't know what you're doing when you're not with me.

What are you implying?

Nothing, baby, nothing. I know it's only the best for you -- I know that's why you're with me. And you should know that's why I'm with you too. Because I only have eyes for you.

And the other 60,000 people who are currently playing the game.

They don't do it for me like you do.

Oh, you are such a liar.

You don't believe me? C'mon...come visit me tonight. I'll help you get your Warlock to level 25.

I don't know...

I know you want to.

Sure, I mean, of course I do, but...

It's the right thing to do, baby. You know it in your heart. We were meant for each other. Now love me -- love me all night!

This is the creepiest conversation I've ever had.

You know you want it. Level 25...

Okay, you win. I'll see you in a few.

Don't keep me waiting, lover-boy.

Mr. McDonald?

Aren't you done with this whole "question and answer" gimmick yet?

Unfortunately for you, it appears that I am not.

Fine. What do you want?

Tough year, huh?

What, 2005?

No, I mean the last 365 days.

Ooooh, that.

With that whole "Supersize Me" movie...

That guy was just hungry for media attention.

You're saying his claims were wrong?

I'm saying he could have made a documentary about a eating nothing but rocks for 30 days and what would have proven? That you shouldn't eat rocks every day for a month.

You should eat rocks in moderation?

Okay, the rock thing is a bad example, but you get my point. You're not supposed to eat a Big Mac every day for a month. You're not supposed to eat a Big Mac every day for the rest of your life, either.

So you think he may have blown things a little out of proportion?

I don't want to talk about him or his stupid movie anymore.

And now a former McDonald's CEO has died of colon.

A tragedy, surely.

With just a hint of irony, don't you think?

I'm not sure I follow you.

Well, diets high in fat are believed to predispose people to colon cancer.

Uh-huh.

And McDonald's food, as a general rule, tends to be...

I would advise you not to go any further with that question or that implication or whatever else you might want to call it. You, sir, are bordering on defamatory speech.

I was simply pointing out something I thought was an interesting irony, or coincidence, or...

I have our lawyers on speed dial.

You'd do that, wouldn't you?

In a hearbeat.

I thought that Ronald McDonald in any language meant, "Fun."

Yeah, well, around here it means "Shut your mouth or I'll sue your ass off."

I'm just gonna go now. Thanks for your time.

Ms. Aniston?

Call me Jennifer.

Jennifer, then. How's everything going?

Well enough, I suppose.

You're going through a bit of a difficult time, I imagine.

Kind of, yeah.

With the whole separation thing.

Uh-huh.

It's gotta hurt a bit, I would imagine.

Is there something I can help you with, or...?

I hear you moved in with your hairstylist.

That's right.

Have you been sleeping with your hairstylist?

For God's sake, no.

But you moved in with him.

Right.

You don't think that's weird?

No.

Not even a little? I mean, my wife and I separated a few years ago, and I didn't move in with my hairstylist.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

What are you implying.

That you don't have a hairstylist.

You're dodging my question.

Why do you care who I move in with or not?

Well, I've got a spare room here. You could always come stay with me.

Thanks, but no.

Rent is super cheap.

Really, no.

Your loss...

I'm sure it is.

Does it bother you that everyone is curious about these details of your private life -- your breakup, who you're moving in with, who you might currently be sleeping with?

It's kind of troubling sometimes, sure, but you have to be prepared for that sort of thing in Hollywood. I mean, you have thousands of people watching your every move when things are going well, it's to be expected that even more will put you under the microscope when things turn to shit.

Do you think they hold you to a higher standard because you're celebrities? That, because you somehow managed to escape suburbia and boring 9-to-5 jobs, they think you should be better than this, that you should be impervious things like the end of a marriage?

I think it's the opposite of that, actually. I think that because people expect our lives are so wonderful, that when something terrible like this happens to us, they're secretly thrilled. And they scrutinize each passing moment because they know we're suffering just as much as maybe they have in the past, and they're happy about it.

That's fucked up.

Kind of, yeah. After all, we're all human. We all feel the same joys and the same heartaches. There's no reason to be particularly excited at my heartbreak over anyone else's.

That's a beautiful thing to say. Are you sure you don't want to come and rent one of my spare rooms?

Really, thanks, but I've already moved my stuff into my hairdresser's place.

Remember me if things don't work.

Coming out from the cold

Hi blog.

...

What's happening?

I'm not talking to you.

What's the matter?

Don't play innocent with me. You know what's the matter.

Okay, so I haven't been here in awhile. I've been...neglectful.

There's more to it than that, and you know it.

What are you talking about?

I've seen you with that "World of Warcraft" hussy. I know *why* you've been neglectful.

Now, hey, come one...

You've *replaced* me!

It's not like that!

...


Look, okay, maybe WoW has taken some of my attention from you...

All of it.

...okay, all of it. But it wasn't my fault. A friend of mine bought it for me, and if I'd known I was going to take to it like a crack addict, I never would have installed it. And now that I have, it's too late. I fear my soul may be lost.

Exactly my point.

But you forget something too.

Oh, and what's that?

This sort of thing, it's never permanent. It's a temporary fling. It's only because it's so new, and so pretty. And because it has an amazing online gameplay experience. But all that will fade eventually.

And then?

And then I'll come back to my one true love.

Cheese?

No, you stupid blog, you.

You're just saying that to soften me up.

Is it working?

Well...maybe a little.

Good.

So, does this mean you're back to the blogosphere?

It might, but I'm not making any promises.

You already made promises -- you said in your column that one of your new year's resolutions was to update your blog *at least* once a week.

How the hell did you read my column?

That's my little secret. Doesn't change the fact that you made the promise. And publicly too.

I should learn to stop doing that.

Yes, you should. Does that mean you're back to the blogosphere?

It means...see you next week, I guess.

Better than nothing.

Hey, blog?

Yeah?

It's good talking to you again.

It's good to be talked to again too.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: Separation

Who. The fuck. Cares.

Voices

I heard voices in my head last. They kept me awake.

It pissed me off, because I was exausted after getting very little sleep on both Saturday and Sunday night (which, I confess, were for somewhat self-inflicted reasons) I was really, really looking forward to having a good night's sleep.

It was weird, because it wasn't like a dream. It was nothing that I was participating in. I was more of an observer. And in some ways, it was as if I was an accidental eavesdropper, as the events just sort of played out inside my skull.

There was a murder investigation. A husband, dead. Someone was trying to pin it on his wife, who was pregnant and hormonal had psychic power and in a burst of careless anger, fried her husband's brain as efficiently as if she'd dropped it into a microwave.

Unsurprisngly, there was a lot of discussion going on, about the murder particularly, but about human rights issues as well. Certain groups were wondering why they didn't as a general rule, lock up psychics behind shielded walls when the became pregnant, to prevent them from lashing out at their husbands.

Of course, others argued that you couldn't lock someone up like that -- particularly a pregnant woman -- even if you were doing it to help prevent someone's death.

I just shouted at them all to shut up, but I don't think they heard me. I suspect that means that they don't exist, which I think is a good thing, because it means I don't have a bunch of little tiny people living inside of my brain.

On the downside, it might mean that I'm insane.

Happy DOOM Day

As much as I feel like I've overdone the blog posting today, I just can't let this slip by without a mention.

Today is the 11th birthday of the release of the Shareware version of DOOM.

I can not let this slip by because DOOM -- and particularly the shareware release -- is the game that turned me into a PC gamer and, in doing so, changed the course of my life forever.

Before DOOM - couldn't imagine playing computer games. After DOOM - couldn't imagine not playing video games.

I actually downloaded the DOOM shareware to show off my superior computer knowledge to a friend of mine. He'd just bought a copy of Wolfenstein 3D for his brother for Christmas and, while I'd never so much as touched Doom, I did know that it was developed by the same people who made Wolfenstein, and was supposed to be leaps and bounds more impressive.

So I downloaded the game, just to show him what a *real* computer game looked like.

And then I started playing it.

And in twenty seconds I was hooked, life changed forever.

Stupid Doom.

Thank you to everyone at id Software, past and present, who have brought titles like Doom, Doom2, Quake, Quake2, Quake3, and, of course, Doom3 into our lives. We're probably not a whole lot better for it, but I know we're a whole lot happier.

Year of the Stick

I'm currently working on a collection of Stick Figure Drama that will run from strip #1 to strip #28. These are being designed and printed so that I have something untraditional to hand out to friends and family members for Christmas.

However, I'm planning to overprint by a few copies that I'll use to test the market for selling a collection of this type.

So here's the deal. "Year of the Stick" will run somewhere between 64 and 72 pages (I don't have exact numbers right now, as it's still being designed) and covers the strips mentioned above -- #1 to #28; "Sometimes Love Dies" to "Sometimes Love Dies: Redux" (which hasn't been posted here yet). Plus, each strip will have an accompany commentary, including descriptions of that week's inspriation, trivia about the strip, or just drunk ramblings from yours truly.

I'm printing 50 copies, and as of this writing I'm not sure how many will be for sale -- probably between 10 and 15, which will make this a very, very, very limited edition. Price is only $9.99 -- not bad for a 60-ish-page limited edition comic strip collection. Y'all try to go buy a Far Side book for that much...

If you want to buy one, it's currently on a first-come, first-serve basis. Drop me an email at todd@caughtinthenet.org if you're interested. Heck, I'm feeling generous -- if you buy one of these intial copies, I'll even sign the thing for ya.

And if you miss out, don't panic. As I said, this is a market test, and if there seems to be enough interest, I'll go back for a second printing. Maybe a third and fourth as well, but something tells me it isn't quite going to come to that.

C*nt.

I just finished today's post-NaNo work on my still unfinished novel. And what I want to know is this: Why doesn't the MS Word dictionary recognize the word "cunt"?

Ugly word? Sure. Nasty word? No doubt about it.

But it's a word. Like it or not.

Stupid Microsoft...

Gouranga

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

Ah...yeah. Thanks so much for the email, neateye. Whoever you are.

KING COVERS: Roadwork (1981)

It took me years before I finally read Roadwork. It's a shame, because it's a hell of a good book.

I think most of the reason it took so long is that when I first started reading King, it was because wrote horror, and horror was about monsters and vampires and things that go bump in the night, and those things were cool, because if you liked those things you seemed dark and edgy, and that was also cool.

Roadwork was about a guy going through a bit of a midlife crisis while the city tries to tear down his house. Which wasn't very dark and edgy and was, in fact, kind of boring and middle-aged.

I finally read it a couple years ago when going through the Bachman Books again (mostly as an excuse to reread Rage, which remains one of my all time favourite King novels) and I was incredibly affected by the story of Roadwork. As the story of a man who is desperate to hang on to the things he cares most about, and willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish that, there's something for all of us to relate to, even as we watch him drive headlong to a conclusion that we know will not be a good one.



The original US release -- a paperback, as 4 out of 5 of the Bachman Books were -- has a preety standard, "No name author on the shelf of an airport bookstore" kind of look to it. Guy with gun in the background, house in foreground, impression of standoff given by the imagery. Does its job well enough, but nothing that screams brilliance.



The later US release went for a slightly more understated look, with a creepy, deathly road sign -- an effective image. It loses something for me, though, by attempting to be *too* creepy with all that green fog kinda stuff. Green fog isn't creepy. It's lame.



These covers, both from Sweden, were where I suspect the notion for the creepy, deathly road sign were stolen from. And, in my opinion, this is where they're far more effective. Simple, very eye-catching with the roadsign yellow against the stark black. I pick the version on the left as the top Roadwork cover design -- it edges out the other design from Sweden by having a better font choice.



This UK design borrows mildly from the initial Signet layout -- guy with gun, signs of a showdown, etc. The guy looks like he's wearing a trenchcoat though, which makes the character seem a bit too private dectective like for my tastes.



I only wish I could see a larger version of this cover from Japan, as it's doing something very, very right. The basic design -- with the photo, at the top, taking up only about a third of the whole cover, then just blackness below it, is a definite winner. Unfortunately, I can't quite make out what's going on in the photo. It looks, to my eye, like a road construction crew which, while appropriate, doesn't quite cut it. Which is unfortunate because once again, the Japanese designers have shown a very, very good eye.



And so we go from good to bad, with this cover from Spain, which is apparently about a guy who wants to guard his favourite strip of highway from...something. And is he wearing a California Highway Patrol uniform in that picture? Spain followed this cover up with...



...this one, which appears to imply that the fellow in the California Highway Patrol outfit is now road pizza. It's a better cover than the last one, certainly, but still missing something.



And now we go from bad to worse. I don't even know what to say about this cover from Belgium. Is that a...zombie?

I just...ah, I can't take anymore. Let's get this over with.



On the left we have a cover from Bulgaria which, near as I can tell, has nothing to do with the novel in question and appears to have had its design inspired by the cover of The Stand. On the right a cover from Italy which prompts me to simply say: "Just because it has the word ROAD in the title does not mean you have to show cars on the cover."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all I've got to say about that.

Yummy.

I feel simultaneously hungry, yet marked for death.

Second most embarassing moment in the history of Caught in the 'Net

Well, it's probably not, actually, but it's got to be in the top five, easily, and is, at the very least, a really excellent example of stupendously bad timing.

Because who should roll through town on the weekend following my column on Caught in the 'Net's most embarassing moment but the person who had a very integral role in that most embarassing moment -- the wife who I split up with less than a week after writing a Valentine's Day column professing my undying love for her.

She was staying with her parents and I had been invited over to visit, so I decided to pop by, without making any mental connection with the column I had written last week. Until, a little later in the evening, I noticed her pick up and start to flip through a copy of last week's Tribune Weekend. At which point I could only think: Oh...God...

We all had a good laugh, and I even managed to convince her that I wasn't obsessively writing about her every week. Yet, in another strange example of synchronicity, this week's Stick Figure Drama is also about the end of a marriage. Must be something about the holiday season that lifts my spirits and make sme think of happy families. And by "happy" I really mean "tragic and disfunctional".

That particular strip will be up later in the week. For now, eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that the side links to Stick Figure Drama cartoons were updated a few nights back, so you can catch up on a little light reading while you wait for the new edition.

Lastly, coming later tonight or, more likely, tomorrow, a new edition of King Covers, featuring a lesser known title with plenty of really, really crappy covers to choose from.

NaNo: Day Who the fuck cares because this shit is finally over

I am the proud owner of an unfinished but officially verified 50,000 word novel. This actually means a lot to me, as I somehow managed to cross that 50,000 word mark after giving up on this novel not once, but twice.

Seven days ago, I threw it away. I didn't think there was anything salvageable.

Then the part of me that knows better fought back, and I wrote 15,000 words in the last five days.

Like I said, the book isn't done yet, and probably won't be done until the end of December at the earliest, maybe the end of January if I have some trouble with it. I'm gonna try to stick with the daily writing, pushing out something between 1,000 and 1,500 words until I get to type the words "THE END". I've still got a few hurdles to overcome before I get there, but I think I'll make it.

It's been a lot of years since I sat down and spent any amount of time creating something this...unformed. I think a big part of why I was so tempted to give up was because I was scared, scared that I didn't know where the book was going, scared that I didn't know how to steer towards anything, scared that it all felt so out of control.

It's not fun feeling out of control.

But it's exhilerating. When the book went well, I felt a kind of excitement I haven't felt since the last time I wrote a novel by the seat of my pants. And what's surprising, is I don't think last year counts.

Last year I had too good an idea of where I was going. I may not have had an ending, but the middle -- the basic structure of the book -- was there before I started work on it. So it didn't feel like quite as pure a creative process as I went through this year.

No, what I'm reminded of this year was a book I wrote just out of high school called "The Voice of the Raven" -- great title, crappy book, and next to incomprehensible on its own, given that it was intended as part of some psychotic 10 part series.

But we're not talking quality here, are we? We're just talking about creativity, and how the massive random output I've had this month reminds me of a book I wrote twelve years ago, or so.

And how it reminds me of how many books I could have written in those intervening years.

And how it reminds of how fucking depressed that makes me feel.

NaNo: Day Nineteen

My novel is out of control. And I think it's nobody's fault but my own.

When I started, I had a beginning, and a direction for about the next 20 pages. And I had a pretty good -- to abou 75% or so -- idea of what the ending was going to be.

Middle? I dunno. We'll figure it out when we get there.

Those first 20 pages? Well, the initial idea was that those would be the backstory, setting up the character and his history and explaining a bit about how he got to be where he was today. After those 20 pages, we could dig into the real meat of the story.

I'm at page 55 and still working on backstory. At some story "backstory" became "story". Or at least the first half of the "story".

I've got about a chapter and half until that first half is finished, I think, if everything goes more or less the way it seems to be. That'll be, based on previous chapters, somewhere between 15 to 30 pages, putting the first half of the book somewhere in the area of 70 to 85 pages and 40,000 to 50,000 words. Not too shabby.

Except I'm just as confused right now about the second half as I was regarding the first half 30 or 40 pages ago.

I have a rough idea of what's going to happen, but that's mostly because I know the ending that I'm headed towards. Page by page, sentence by sentence, I haven't the foggiest idea what I'm going to do with the second half of my book.

Nothing worth worrying about right now, though, I guess. I've still got the first half to finish. And if all goes well, that'll get me to my 50,000 words for NaNo, leaving me to worry about the second half in December.

I think I'm in love

I downloaded Mozilla Firefox tonight. I think I'm in love with a browser for the first time since I laid my eyes on Netscape Navigator version 0.9. Firefox freaking rocks.



Someone mentioned it to me months ago and I kind of poo-poohed the suggestion. That's how locked into my Internet Explorer mindset I was. That was how powerful a grip Microsoft had over my mind, and over my soul.

Thank you, Firefox, for setting me free.

In a weird "just like old times" way, I've included a little promo link on the side of the blog so interested parties can snag their own copy of Firefox. It's odd because it's the first time I've done this since Netscape was king of the hill.

The more things change...blah blah blah.

NaNo: Day Twelve

Saw this link while logging in to blogger today -- a blog listing people who are posting their NaNoWriMo novel on their blogs at http://nanoblogmo.blogspot.com/. It's a tempting thought, to blog your novel and post your nightly writings, get feedback and criticism and the like from readers all over, and I might give it a spin next year. I'd probably have to fire up a new blog just for the novel, though.

In writing news, the novel's gone fairly well in the last couple of days. I didn't get the chance to do any writing on Wednesday night, but I did double-duty last night to catch up on that missing day. The novel is now clocking in at just over 20,000 words, and it's really starting to feel like it's a long way from being done. I'm not sure if it's just turning out to be a long novel, or if I'm trying to pad my word count with extraneous words to make sure I manage my daily word count, but whatever it is I'm fairly sure the book, when finished, will be closer to 75,000 or 100,000 words.

Which, if everything goes well, I'll continue to work on well into December, if necessary.

In other news, I started down the road of learning CSS at work today, and if a few headaches at the start, my brain started to wrap around the idea and it's surprisingly functional and logical. Wish it hadn't taken so long. May actually play at redesigning the ol' blog layout over the Xmas holidays if I get bored.

I also watched a film I'd been waiting 14 years to see, but I'll save my thoughts on that for a night when I'm feeling less tired and don't have 1,600 words of a novel to still get through.

NaNo: Day Eight

Since getting back from Bella Coola, and scrapping the rapidly collapsing end to Chapter One, the novel's been back on track again. The last two days have gone relatively smoothly (though last night, I didn't really find myself "in the zone" until I'd just about hit the 1600 words -- I ended up continuing through for another 300 words, just because it was flowing so well).

I've come to think that my biggest problem with the end of Chapter One is that it involves a car accident, and I've already a car accident once in the past, for a story that didn't have a plot and never actually got one and never went anywhere and is currently unfinished. So now that I'm writing another car accident -- years later and, presumable, as a much better writer -- I feel like I have to surpass that previous car accident scene that I liked so much.

I'm trying to outright myself. And failing.

So I think, come Wednesday or Thursday, while I'm away from work, I'll play at trying to copy and paste chunks of that previous car accident, that I've always loved and never really been able to use anywhere, into my NaNo novel. If it doesn't work, no loss. If it does, I end up with an improved chapter *and* an excuse to finally use a scene I've loved for years but have never been able to find a home for.

I don't know why this didn't occur to me earlier.

And now, I'm off to tackle tonight's 1,600. Should be fun.

NaNO: Day Six

I'm back from Bella Coola. What a long, ugly drive it was -- 11 hours out of the last 72. Blech.

I managed to NaNo on a borrowed laptop on Thursday night and got through my 1600 words for that day. I probably output a pitiful 400 last night before I was interupted by company and alcoholic beverages.

Today, in retrospect, I'm feeling like the 1,600 I did on Thursday were close to 1,550 really crappy words. The whole sequence I was writing has this feeling of being over-written and incredibly clunky. I'm not sure immediately how to fix it, and I think if I continue on from where I left it, it's only going to get worse. So I'm going to do the only thing I can think of doing at this point.

Move on to Chapter Two.

Knowing exactly how Chapter One ends, even though I'm apparently lacking the words to convey it, should make just giving up on that chapter for the moment and moving on beautifully easy. And hopefully moving on will help the quality of the work, as the area I'm going into now as not quite as plotted out as the end of Chapter One was -- I think the biggest problem I had was that I overthough that sequence, which led directly to the overwriting.

Should try to put out 2,000 words tonight too, to make up for last night's pitiful output.

And that's my update. I'm off to scratch out some words now. Wish me luck.

NaNo: Day Three

I had the day off today, so I tackled my NaNo pages this afternoon instead of waiting until the evening, as I've still got my column to write this evening. And I sure didn't want to overwork myself in the evening.

I crossed the 1,600 word line today, but I think it's going to get whittled down to 1,500 or 1,450 after I wipe out the last paragraph I wrote today, which just doesn't work for me. I'm going to go back to it post-column and see if I can clean it up and make it better. It's exactly the point I want to end at today, but I just need a couple of hundred more words to make it work. Dammit.

I'm headed to Bella Coola for a few days tomorrow, but I'm bringing a laptop with me to make sure I don't miss any writing opportunities. 5,000 words would be hard to make up after being out of it for three days. Not that it would me that much, given that I had a 5,000 word head-start, but I'd rather save that head-start for when I'm really suffering some blocks. I think the next two or three days will continue fairly smoothly.